Melissa’s Blog

I am super bored.  Bored at work, bored with life.  I feel so blah lately.  I find my self getting lost in my dreams and day dreams more and more.  I have been having really odd ones lately too.  Last nights was I owned a Jeep with holes in it.  Not sure why the plastic covering had holes but it was really annoying.  No matter how many I patched up, more and more kept showing up.  Maybe its a metaphor for my life.  I feel alone.  A lot.  Like there is no one around for me anymore.  It’s a super not fun feeling, and I am not sure how to get rid of it.  It’s not neccarily a bad thing… I like being alone, but I really feel like all my friends have disappeared - found new friends, moved on, dont have time for me, and many other things.  There was a point in time where I was out every other night, with someone doing something… now I feel like I have to beg people to see me or that well they just dont want to see me.  They are busy, or have new friends to hang with, or just dont text/call/email/write whatever anymore.  In that same aspect I have found stronger bonds with people whom I was never that super close too.  People I find I can trust and want to be around, when I am feeling that alone feeling again.  I am thankful for these people - far a few between that they are - and grateful that I have them to fall back on.  They say good friendships last a lifetime, but what happens when you have many little lifetimes in one big life.  Think about the friends you had when you were 5.  Kindergarten buddies you grew up with.  Do you still talk to them?  Are all of them still active members of your life?  Or did maybe that childhood lifetime end and you moved away or on and found newer friends and didnt quite keep up with the old ones.  Sure some linger here and there, some are truly forever, but most are after thoughts on birthdays and holidays.  Maybe you write on their Facebook wall to wish them a Happy Birthday or Congrats on the new marriage/baby/job etc…  That’s how I feel right now, that I and my fail safe good ol’ buddies are entering new lifetimes, and are loosing that constant need for each others company.  I have very few true “Best Friends” whom I hold dear to my heart and will always be there for them in this lifetime and any others we have together, even if the communication is lost. 

This all is reminding me of one of my favorite shows “The Real Housewives of Orange County”.  ( I know - I know, its not a real show, its a reality show … but I cant help it… I am addicted)  This week Vicki went home to Chicago where she grew up and visited old friends with new.  You could tell that the new friend from the OC Jeana was a little misplaced.  Which of course is to be expected when your with people who have been friends 15+ years.  But you could also tell that this bond Vicki had with these old girlfriends was stronger than hers with the OC gang.  She called them “my people”.  “Jeana look I have all my people here!”  she kept saying.  I wanna know - where are ‘my people’???  Will they be there when I come home to them?  I hope so. 

On a different but similar note, I feel like a lousy friend.  I have been avoiding outings and I am sorry to those who invited me.  I did not mean to hurt you if I did by not attending.  The main reason for my not going was mostly that I made my self sick eating too much and had a extremely painful ear ache.  I also dont have any money.  I know its fun to go out and spend money and go drinking and be young but with my finances they way they are and my mom watching all my money spent, it’s not in the cards for me to be a big spender and dance the night away.  I am sorry to my friends,  I love you and I hope you can forgive me. 

Time to stop writing.  I have said a lot and I am sure will have more crazy nonsense to write about later.

More soon!!

-M